Scene: Anne is home alone, mid-day, mid-week. Doorbell rings. Two high-school-ish aged folks are standing on the doorstep. Well, actually, the girl was on the doorstep, and the guy was, like, 10 feet behind her on the sidewalk.

Anne: Yes?

Girl: Oh, you must be the busy mom!

Anne (already not warming up to this conversation): Um, no… I live here with roommates.

Girl: Oh. Well, I’m [name] and this is my vicious bodyguard, [name]. We’re doing a survey on all families in the area with elementary school-aged children.

Anne: Well, uh… we don’t have any.

Girl: So you guys are college students, huh?

Anne (argh!): Nope, we’re college grads.

Girl: …Oh… cool.

Girl proceeds to ask Anne if she knows which houses in the neighborhood have kids. Anne attempts to be kind and help her out.

Girl: Well, thanks. And one more thing – would you mind if I got some water from you? [Girl presents her near-empty water bottle to Anne].

Anne: O…kay, just a sec.
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Thanks for letting me share, blogworld. I thought that was a strange encounter… and I can’t quite figure out how to convey the extreme awkwardness of this situation. It was weird.

via

Tonight I was over at my parents’ for dinner. Bess, Joseph and I were cleaning up in the kitchen afterward.

Joseph: Hey Anne, what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?

Anne: Um, I don’t know.

J: Matt!

A: Heh, heh, that’s pretty good.

J: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

A: …?

Bess: Art!

A: [laughs a bit harder this time]

J: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a pond?

J & B: Bob!

Okay, after this much of the conversation, it was game on. The three of us stood there trying to come up with as many of these jokes as possible. Somehow, with each successive joke, the fact that the guy had no arms and no legs became less and less important, and they had a hilarious cumulative effect (read: Anne was doubled over with laughter). Here’s a sample of the surprisingly large set of jokes we made up. I’ve even put the answers at the bottom so you can attempt to figure them out on your own first.

1. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the morning?
2. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs plugged into a sound system?
3. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
4. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who is a thief?
5. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs between two tires?
6. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and a speech impediment during a thunderstorm?
7. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding up a car?
8. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs with a lot of cash?
9. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who is on fire?
10. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs going fishing?

Answers:
1. Don
2. Mike
3. Phil
4. Rob
5. Axel
6. Wayne
7. Jack
8. Bill (we decided that his brother could be Buck)
9. Cole
10. Rod

I was sitting in my car the other day, trying to decide what CD to listen to.  I flipped through the pages of my CD book, and I noticed one that I haven’t listened to for quite a while, labeled “Misc. iTunes.”  I had no memory of what was on that mix, and I was very entertained as I popped it into the player and listened through.

All of the songs on this CD are significant to me somehow.  I’ve even blogged about a couple of them before.  The funny thing about the mix, however, is that it’s incredibly disjointed and eclectic.  The songs are all favorites, but they don’t all belong together.

I do kind of remember putting this CD together a while back, and I think they all ended up here because they were neglected on other mixes I had made.  So these are my poor homeless songs, in the order they occur on my miscellaneous mix.

1. Eternal Flame, by the Bangles

2. Gonna Fly Now, by Bill Conti

3. Call Me, by Blondie

4. Beyond the Sea, by Bobby Darin

5. Mister Blue Sky, by Electric Light Orchestra

6. Your Song, by Elton John

7. Wonderful Tonight, by Eric Clapton

8. [I can not remember the title of this one for some reason, but it is an awesome string quartet piece I heard on NPR one time.]

9. Final Countdown, by Europe

10. Ring of Fire, by Johnny Cash [sorry about the video on this one...]

11. Just Like Heaven, by Katie Melua

12. I Wanna Be Sedated, by The Ramones

13. Misty, by Sarah Vaughan

14. New Slang, by The Shins

15. Kiss Me, by Sixpence None the Richer [the audio is pretty icky on this one, sorry]

16. Hushabye Mountain, by Stacey Kent

17. Mr. Roboto, by Styx

18. Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor

19. Telephone Hour, from Bye Bye Birdie

20. It’s Not Unusual, by Tom Jones

Like I said, it’s not a very coherent mix.  I enjoy all the tracks individually, but it’s rough shifting gears between the songs.  Also, feel free to roll your eyes at my songs.  I know they’re not the coolest, but I’m not (very) ashamed to admit I like them.

I’ve seen two seagulls over the course of the past two days, flying over different sections of town.  Are there seagulls in Nebraska?  Or am I imagining things?

I’m currently on vacation with my mom and my sister.  All three of us have the exact same toothbrush.

I watched an episode of House yesterday where (as I understand it) the patient had neurological damage to the part of his brain that stores the inhibitors.  The result?  The patient was absolutely honest about everything that was on his mind.  He told the truth about everything – from telling Dr. Taub that his nose is laughably large, to telling the doctors that he thinks his daughter is intellectually below-average (while his daughter was in the room), to confessing to his wife that he thinks her career is worthless.

As Doctors Kutner and Taub discuss this, one of them mentions that after all these years, the patient is finally showing his “real” self.  The other doctor counters with the idea that if he’s spent so many years building up this “nice” persona, isn’t that just as much who he really is?

This situation just begs the question of all of us: What would I say?  What would I be like if that happened to me?

Personally, I try to be positive.  I try to be honest.  I don’t think I lie all the time, but I tend to focus on the positive side of the truth.  For example, when a student plays a piece for me, I critique by talking about what they did well, then mentioning how they can improve.  I don’t make comments like, “Boy, you really failed at measure 17.”  Is it somehow less honest to say, “Use more bow at measure 17 so you get a better tone”?

So what would I really say?  I have a feeling that most of it would be very self-oriented.  “I’m leaving my shoes on because my feet smell and my toes are gross.  I really like hanging out with you, but I’m worried you don’t like me because I never seem very smart or interesting around you.  I wish it wasn’t socially unacceptable to cut the cheese, because I’ve had really bad gas today.”  I’d wager that my “complete honesty” would be one long string of insecurities pouring out of my mouth.  If I ever got off the subject of myself, I hope my comments would not be too far away from how I already function around others.

I don’t like the notion that being completely honest means being rude or negative.  Our culture tells us that only naive, simple, ignorant people are nice.  We’re fed the lie that if we know or understand truth – if we’re really honest, then we’ll be much more negative.

What do you all think?

I love the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  It’s in my top five movies of all time, and I would love to be in it someday.  Surely we could have a Zion Church drama club of some sort put this on?

Anyway, I love the whole movie, but my favorite 15 seconds are in the barn dance when Frank and Millie dance.  It’s just perfect.  The choreography, the execution, the instrumental music (the violin part is so fun!), etc.  I love it.  It’s the last 15 seconds of the following clip.

Not much gives me more satisfaction than a well-placed movie quote.  I mean, what’s better than using a quote (1) in a situation where the quote is apt (2) with someone who will recognize and appreciate the quote?

I was able to experience this satisfaction recently.  Dad was trying on his new bike helmet, and as he fastened the clip under his chin, he accidentally pinched a little bit of his skin.  He let out a small exclamation, and I was able to use the quote, “Do you hafta klip the schkin?”

What’s that you’re saying?  You don’t know what that quote is from?  Well, gentle readers, if you haven’t watched much Sid Caesar before, it’s time you got started.  Sid Caesar was a comedian and actor from the early days of TV.  He was a cast member on several TV variety/sketch comedy shows which laid the foundation for our modern-day Saturday Night Live and MadTV.  The big difference is that the Sid Caesar stuff is consistently funny, good, and wholesome.

Here’s the sketch that my quote was from: